Gasp! What is going on?!

Who is trying to kill us?! What the hell is that thing?! How can this be, Jim?! What on earth...holyshitisthisthefinalzombieapocalypse?!

Aside from the interrobangs, what do these expressions have in common? They are likely uttered by movie or story characters who are entering into a life/world-altering experience and must convey their utter flabbergasting for the audience/reader. As if!

I get tired, bored, and a little embarrassed for these witless characters. Sure, in REAL life someone (maybe even me) would be noticeably upset if dead people were suddenly reanimated and started walking menacingly, albeit slowly, toward me with the primal urge to eat my brains. In fact, I might ejaculate an expression in loosely vulgar terms to the effect of I'm really confused and disbelieving all of this. However, to me this serves no purpose to move a story along. It seems like a given. If I'm regaling you with an anecdote about the time when I was in the Hamptons and a giant sea monster walked ashore and trashed some houses and ate lots of rich people, I don't think anyone is going to appreciate me pausing and saying, "And you know, we were all like, What the hell? OMG, this is really strange and unusual! I can't believe my eyes." What the listener really wants to hear are the details. Because they can probably imagine that it is really strange and unusual (unless you lived in the 1950-1960s Japanese movie world).

So what do I want? Characters close by to pounce on the exposition.

Frank and Joe entered the abandoned amusement park indicated on their half of the map they found in the mummy's chamber. They came expecting to find a clue to where the other half might be hidden and hoping that their old grounds keeper wouldn't turn into a werewolf again. They walked around for a few minutes, past the tilt-a-whirl that no longer whirled and along the Midway that bustled no more. Then when they approached the Haunted Fun House ride, Frank got the feeling that maybe what they were looking for was in there. Joe seemed a little unsure, but Frank reminded him about his correct assumption about the tomb of the Chang Dynasty soldiers being the site of the neo-Druid conventions. Joe couldn't argue, so they proceeded.


It was pitch-black and all they had to light the way was a Zippo lighter and Joe's LED keychain light that emitted an eerie red glow turning everything an evil combination of crimson and shadow. Halfway down the ramp they heard a bunch of popping sounds echoing down the tunnel, getting faster and closer in frequency. The ceiling sparked and the walls shuddered until Frank looked around and had to sprint trying to catch up with Joe's rapidly disappearing wake. When they burst outside, the amusement park was lit up in a blue haze, not a result of the full moon. Joe, naturally the wussier of the two, stammered, "W-w-w-what's going on Frank?!" Frank could only gape with wide-eyed horror as they looked on as pieces of the teacup ride were breaking off their axes and floating toward the summit of the roller coaster, The Inducer.


Just then a uniformed police officer came running to meet the panic-stricken duo. "Hey boys! I'm Officer Dantes, and we need to get to higher ground. We are in the middle of a war between invisible aliens! They are going to tear this place apart and anyone who gets in their way!" They rushed over to the exit of Splash Mountain and started climbing. Along the way Officer Dantes briefed them on two-hundred years of secret alien history that only the Monroe County Sherriff's Office has been tracking for decades. Apparently, this wasn't the first abandoned amusement park that was destroyed by these invisible alien civil wars, and it likely wouldn't be the last....

Ahhh, that's the stuff. Good 'ol Officer Dantes to the rescue. Of course, this isn't the only way to get that information to Frank and Joe and the reader/viewer, but it's better than prolonged scenes of them being baffled and bewildered by vague details. Invisible alien civil wars are a good start to imagining why things are flying around at night.

I'm a man of simple tastes, so now, Officer Dantes,...tell me more!