Plus Cinefantastique!

Dear Hollywood Southwind Theaters,

I hate your movie theater with every fiber of my being. Yet, I've seen about 920 movies there, give or take a few. I did this because you have a monopoly on theaters in Lawrence, KS. Liberty Hall doesn't count, because they show different movies that you would never show. Plus they are way classier. I understand that I'm probably not the average movie-goer, so my opinions are a tad hypersensitive, which is why you probably won't listen to me. But here goes anyway.

First, your seats are too close together in every aspect. They are too narrow and lack about one foot of proper leg room. I'm an average 5'11" guy, and I have a lot of taller friends who must be in terrible discomfort every time they sit down in your seats for 1.5-2 hours. Also, some of your theaters have a large section of the middle seating cut out for the entrance hallway. How ridiculous! The middle is the best seat in the house, and you just screwed 15 rows out of that. We are paying to be entertained in comfort, not just to see a movie.

Second, your theater is typically dirty with sticky floors and unclean bathrooms. The only bad thing I have to say about your staff is that it isn't on the ball about this. They can't bear all of the blame, since the facilities are not conducive to cleanliness, but it usually looks like they don't even try. This normally wouldn't be a big deal to me, since I've slept in a few dingy lots behind train stations once upon a time. However, I've been to some really stand-up, first-rate establishments and they tended to be much cleaner. Somehow that makes an impression. It makes me think, Gee I'm glad that I'm here, instead of that cesspool Southwind Theater. This must be why your auditoriums are poorly lit and all black.

Third, you have no style. Your tacky carpet looks like it belongs in a Chucky Cheese. The fixtures that surround posters and lights throughout make me think you got them as hand-me-downs from the set of Double-Dare. I'm not saying anything bad about those two kids' institutions, but just that I don't think they belong as part of a movie theater.

Fourth, your lobby is in tragic need of queue management. Lines are winding, often confusing, and extend outside when they shouldn't have to. It really pains me to say this, but AMC has this figured out pretty well. I feel so dirty praising them.

Fifth, and probably most important, your actual exhibition of movies is not worthy of even a discount theater. The sound is always tepid. I'm not really talking about volume, because it is mostly adequate, but most times I can't hear sound out of the side speakers. This wouldn't be a problem if the movie's sound was meant to emanate solely from the center (behind the screen) speakers, but something is lacking. The sound is anemic. Also, the damn commercials bother me. They aren't even entertaining. I'm already paying money to see a movie that I hope will entertain me, which is why I chose to spend my time there. But I don't agree to spend part of that time watching commercials, especially ones that are likely only shown on daytime television. If they were as good as the ones for the Superbowl, then I might grudgingly accept them, but as is I just get huffy.

Okay, that's enough of my tantrums. Most people probably don't give it a second thought. But that's the whole problem! Do people actually enjoy going to see a movie at your theater? They might grudgingly go to see the movie, but I imagine if I opened mine, then they would flock like birds (Gallimimus). And here's what they would enjoy:

A clean, well-lit lobby that is tastefully decorated in a 1940s style (I just read that decade will never go out of style -wait, unless it already has). Tickets that have the little half moons cut out on both ends. Glorious bathrooms that will make patrons think they are in an executive washroom, complete with attendant and mints. A box office with times and titles in a clear and large font that aren't digital so there is no squinting involved. Carpeting over all the floors in each auditorium. Ushers that wear white gloves. Auditoriums that aren't a black box that make you feel like you are in a Turkish prison cell. They should have some kind of artistic and warm palate. A maintenance staff that is working all of the time to ensure the place is bright and shiny everywhere. Screens that are protected by a velvet curtain that raises up when the movie starts. Movie music piped in instead of pop music (sorry, but that's just a personal choice people will have to deal with - they are at the movies!). No commercials. Maybe a short four minute cartoon, but only if it is funny; these aren't to be played for their kitsch value. Sound that vibrates your lungs, but won't make your ears bleed. It is possible - I have experienced that. Ushers to make sure the movie starts off well (sometimes a movie starts out of focus or out of sync and some brave soul has to go warn someone knowing they'll miss something). Also, one of those systems that reward people for going, like see ten, get one free pass. This should also be something in a computer, so people don't have to worry about carrying a hole-punched card. Concessions that aren't candy but freshly-made, non-aromatic food that isn't processed sugar and won't fall apart and make a mess. Would people like that? Would they miss their candy? Well, they would be perfectly welcome to bring in a sealed bag of whatever they would like - it's cheaper if they get it at a store, anyway. I think it is only responsible to offer something that isn't just bad food. It used to be that people would eat junk food as an occasional treat because they never ate any at home. Well, times have changed.

Many people who know me will see that I am comparing most places to the Warren Theaters in Wichita, KS. This is true. However, laced in here are other ideas that even they don't do. We are paying to be entertained in comfort and style, not just to see a movie. If we wanted to just watch the movie, then we'd probably just buy them on DVD when they come out. It's more economical that way, anyway. Usually a new movie on video costs around $16-20, which is the range for two adult tickets for something we can see only once. TV's are getting more and more incredible while surround sound speakers are getting cheaper as each day passes. If you keep making your theater uncomfortable, disorganized, dull and lackluster, then people will have no choice but to wait the four months and get it on DVD or put it in their Netflix queue.

I like to go to the movies to escape from my daily routine and watch something with a bunch of strangers and hopefully experience some kind of emotional connection with them, like laughing or screaming or crying (which I never do, by the way) or being pissed that the movie sucked. I only wish that the theater has some sense of place that is classy and has a charming character, like Jeeves. I'm fully aware that my ideas are probably not economically feasible. That's not my problem.

Sincerely,

Bravo de la Tromeo

BTW - Go read a P.G. Wodehouse book; it will probably make you laugh a lot!