Foliage

My apartment is on the ground floor; actually it is five feet below the parking lot adjacent, but a retaining wall means I'm not subterranean. I have a small patio which is basically an 8'x4' concrete slab that is surrounded by a 5' tall privacy fence. It's covered by the floor of the balcony above, and therefore doesn't let in much light, either to my patio or into my sliding doors. Since it is so small and bare, I don't spend much time out there. Plus, I would only get to look at the fence and a parking lot of cars.

There is one thing out there on the patio that I do have though: plants. The fence extends about 18" beyond the concrete to allow for a small trough of dirt. It is there that I have many green, tall, leafy plants that thrive. They are of various shapes and sizes, shades of green, and character. But they weren't there when I moved in. And I literally haven't spent more than a few minutes time out there since I've lived here. I have not planted anything, nor do I water anything.

I assume they are just weeds, but they look so good. Many of them are a type of ivy, or so the Internet tells me. Some of them are really tall plants with a strong stem, or trunk, or something. Anyway, at this point, I'm very suspicious. I'm positive they are kept alive by a malfunctioning sprinkler not far away. It is supposed to water the grass surrounding the parking lot on the ground many feet vertical. However, it has a clog and sprays a jet of water about ten feet into the air which lands on the balcony above and trickles down to mine every night at 12:30 a.m. I've reported this, but the maintenance crew seem to be befuddled.

Since my patio is overgrown with strange plants that came from nowhere and grew out of accident, then I have no other option but to think that their intentions are malicious. Most likely they are poisonous, and if I opened my sliding glass door and stepped out onto the patio to enjoy an evening breeze, they would pounce upon my unsuspecting body, choke me with their tentacular vines, and rub that poisonous oil into my pale, white skin. I would die of anaphylactic shock in seconds.

So, I'm keeping that door shut for the time being. I'll enjoy their beauty from behind glass, and whenever I go outside again, I'll be ready with a chemical suit and forty gallons of Round-up. Either that, or I'll buy a book on common plants and weeds and see if I should cut them out or leave them be.