Waiting is the hardest part

This election season is killing me. All the time I hear this and that about him or her or him or him. The news is full of one party saying one thing, the other party calling them out on it, and people only agreeing with who they want to instead of who they should. Ultimately, though, we are all responsible for our individual decisions and must take account for them. If I made a bad choice, even if I was misled, on purpose, to believe something false, I still made that choice with my own reasonable brain capable of independent and analytical thought.

So with that happy news, please know that when you cast your vote, you don't have to do it while waiting in line! I hate waiting. I can't stand the act of standing still. Rock concerts kill me if I'm just standing there squeezed in amongst other people. It's only fun if you are moving around, trying not to get crushed by the dance-crazed drunk teenagers surrounding you. Even then... According to IMDB, the plot of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie was concocted in the writer/director's brain while he was waiting in line at a Sears. Lines can cause some pretty scary emotions, even in supposedly normal people.

So, check out this site (if you live in Kansas). It gives you all the information you need to vote early. Thankfully, it is one of those states that allows anyone to vote early if they want to. Texas, for some reason, still has excuses that you must have if you need to vote early, and hating lines is not one of them. But I can still walk my happy self to any precinct within 17-4 days prior to the election and mark my ballot, just the same. I'm only not allowed to do it by mail.

When it comes time to vote, which is very important in our free country, don't forget your right to do it early. That way you won't forget, or turn around when you see a big line, or be bullied into not voting by some jerk who thinks you are homeless or not a citizen. (Yes, I'm unkempt and I didn't take a shower today or I only want to speak Spanish for some reason today, is that against the law? Oh, it is...I guess I didn't know. Sorry.) The more I can do to be lazy, and yet still be responsible, the better. Check out this website if you don't live in Kansas; it will give you the straight dope on what your state's laws are and how much they like/dislike you.

If I have to wait in line again like I did in the primary, where I had to talk to strange old people standing next to me, I'll probably get arrested for doing something saucy and make national headlines and ruin our election. Don't let this happen to you.

This is a breadline from the 1930s during the depression. I'm in no way making a political point here, other than that waiting in line sucks balls. Especially if you are hungry and out of work. And are being discriminated against.

Foliage

My apartment is on the ground floor; actually it is five feet below the parking lot adjacent, but a retaining wall means I'm not subterranean. I have a small patio which is basically an 8'x4' concrete slab that is surrounded by a 5' tall privacy fence. It's covered by the floor of the balcony above, and therefore doesn't let in much light, either to my patio or into my sliding doors. Since it is so small and bare, I don't spend much time out there. Plus, I would only get to look at the fence and a parking lot of cars.

There is one thing out there on the patio that I do have though: plants. The fence extends about 18" beyond the concrete to allow for a small trough of dirt. It is there that I have many green, tall, leafy plants that thrive. They are of various shapes and sizes, shades of green, and character. But they weren't there when I moved in. And I literally haven't spent more than a few minutes time out there since I've lived here. I have not planted anything, nor do I water anything.

I assume they are just weeds, but they look so good. Many of them are a type of ivy, or so the Internet tells me. Some of them are really tall plants with a strong stem, or trunk, or something. Anyway, at this point, I'm very suspicious. I'm positive they are kept alive by a malfunctioning sprinkler not far away. It is supposed to water the grass surrounding the parking lot on the ground many feet vertical. However, it has a clog and sprays a jet of water about ten feet into the air which lands on the balcony above and trickles down to mine every night at 12:30 a.m. I've reported this, but the maintenance crew seem to be befuddled.

Since my patio is overgrown with strange plants that came from nowhere and grew out of accident, then I have no other option but to think that their intentions are malicious. Most likely they are poisonous, and if I opened my sliding glass door and stepped out onto the patio to enjoy an evening breeze, they would pounce upon my unsuspecting body, choke me with their tentacular vines, and rub that poisonous oil into my pale, white skin. I would die of anaphylactic shock in seconds.

So, I'm keeping that door shut for the time being. I'll enjoy their beauty from behind glass, and whenever I go outside again, I'll be ready with a chemical suit and forty gallons of Round-up. Either that, or I'll buy a book on common plants and weeds and see if I should cut them out or leave them be.

How to live life, in three easy steps.

Jack LaLanne gives us the tools to be happy. I thought about this and wondered whether or not someone could say this on TV today. I bet not. People are too cynical to believe in something so simple.

I think the reason why more people don't heed this advice is that because it takes patience. I know that's why I don't go to the store every other day to buy fresh fruits and vegetables. Exercising is something you have to do for a while before you see results, even if you feel them sooner. But smiling is easy.

The simple, free, easy life is anathema to society today. I think back to my childhood with fond memories of this kind of living. Does every generation do that? The innocence of being a kid is so simple and wonderful and good for us. Too bad we have to grow up and pretend to be busy and frown when things go wrong.

Although I still think people who burst out in song are crazy. Straightjacket crazy.

Is health a part of the equation?

Has anyone heard about the Michael Phelps diet? It sounds like one of the better fads going.

I've always wanted to go to the Olympics and be famous. So, tonight I'm going to start on my road to London, 2012. I ate a plate of boneless barbeque chicken wings, half a bag of cool ranch doritos, four donuts, and a big healthy glass of orange juice. If you think I'm kidding, those of you who really know me can attest that I'm not.

My stomach hurts.

The Sickness

For the past few days I've had a bit of a headache. Normally, these aren't a big deal, just a nuisance. I take a few Advil and I'm good for a bit. But sometimes it just keeps coming back. Then last night when it was bed time, it came back with a vengeance.

For some reason my body reacted violently to something. Perhaps it was because I (finally) finished the last Harry Potter book and it was mad that it was over. That's a little dramatic, I suppose. Anyway, I started to sweat a lot, my headache roared back into action, I began sneezing like crazy (which made my headache infinitely worse). My sinuses were draining fast, and I felt a little vomitty. I was hot then cold. So, I took a shower and tried to go to sleep, to relax. But no, my legs were twitchy and restless. Basically I felt like a helpless little kid. Eventually I passed out, and when I woke up this morning I was much better.

I was trying to find a visual approximation of how I felt, and I came up with the perfect example. It is the scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, after he is forced to drink the blood out of a skull, Indiana Jones is laying in some dark chamber, lit only by candles, and is writhing about on a stone slab in pretty awful agony, undergoing some kind of occultish transformation. It was pretty much like that.

I tried to find a clip of that on YouTube, but I failed. I did find one with it buried in six minutes of other stuff, but that wouldn't get to my point easily. Searching for it, however, made me realize how violent and weird that movie is. If you haven't seen it and don't know what I'm talking about, then you should definitely stop everything you are doing and find a copy right now. And if you want to know why guys like Indiana Jones so much, here it is.