Advices For Your First Day

Dear Mr. President-Elect (for one more day),

I have some humble advice for you as you enter your term as President of the United States of America.

First off, don't start any wars. That's a big one. It's like when you throw the first punch in a fight. Even if the guy is literally begging for it, you'll most often be remembered as a jerk. Probably because you are.

Second, tomorrow you will be inaugurated and you might make a mistake. Whatever it is, a slip down the stairs, forgetting where you parked your car, or referring to the PM of Germany as him instead of her, please, when you apologize, look directly at someone and say, "Sorry, it's my first day."

Third, please have more fancy balls. You know, the kind where you have lots of heads of state over for dinner, drinks and dancing. Nothing says, "I like the United States again," like a classy party. And if for some reason you do this because a staffer read this and thought it was a good idea, please invite me. I would totally come and be hilarious.

Fourth, use your power to change the BCS, like you promised. The bowl games are very anti-climactic. Teams play in their divisional championships, and then it's like we forget about college football until after Christmas when, oh yeah, it doesn't matter anymore. Actually, if you don't feel like spending your political capital on this one, I'd understand. What has college football done for you?

Fifth, learn a martial art. But don't tell anyone. People won't think you're an agressive action-junkie looking for a fight, but if someone tries to hijack your plane (à la Air Force One), then you'll be ready to kick some ass. That would be super cool to read about in the paper.

Sixth, make regular (surprise) appearances on Saturday Night Live. They are still pretty funny, but I think that would boost ratings. You could give Alec Baldwin and Christopher Walken a run for their money.

Seventh, be responsible for starting a cool ghost story/prank in the White House. Again, don't tell anyone, so that in forty years, when you're a lot older, you can go back and hear people still talk about it on the tour.

I can't think of any more advice. Obviously, you are smart guy who can take care of himself. I'm sure you don't need my tips on how to have a good time. But I'm willing to bet these won't hurt.

Good Luck, Sir!